Welcome to the Gauntlet


Hello, Don’tRead faithful, and happy holidays.
As a card carrying member of the “we dislike most things” club, this is a very special time for me as it marks a ‘gauntlet,’ if you will, of time through which I must pass without ruining (to TOO great a degree) everyone else’s good time, while still maintaining my sanity (scroll down to the bottom if you’d like to see me ruin a few things to make myself feel better).

But positive blogs are better than negative blogs, so on a day when everyone likes to be thankful for the little they have, I’m here to tell you about the benefits of demanding more.

1. As a writer and an artist, you should never be satisfied. You must always strive to write another book, make your last book better, elevate your work to the next level. What’s that? You got a Nobel Peace Prize? Well, come back when your book is still being read a hundred years from now.

2. Thanksgiving, like all holidays, is just another day in the year. A day which you could be spening writing. Skip it? NO. But let someone ELSE handle the food. And fuck the dishes, that’s what the kids are for. What’s that? “If I don’t do it, nobody will,” you say?
(John Wayne voice)Well I think it’s time you called their bluff, pilgrim. If you can’t find anyone to do the cooking and the cleaning, that’s why Denny’s is open, be-yotch!
And be thankful!

3. Don’t listen to me and do what you want.
Seriously. Just understand that all holidays are pretty much arbitrary–sometimes they are nice things that give us a break from the norm–but if they’re not working for you, or you don’t have the time, or you don’t have the money, then let them go. Just like I’m encouraging you not to listen to me, don’t listen to your calendar. There is no authority that’s gonna sanction us for NOT celebrating Thanksgiving.
And if your family really loved you, they’d understand you wanting to sit one year, or one day out. That is, unless they were being selfish instead of just being THANKFUL to have you in their lives.

And that’s my shpiel. Hope it wasn’t too depressing and bitter. As a prize

WARNING! WARNING!

So just let me ruin something to make myself feel better:
A glass of milk has way more tryptophan in it than two servings of turkey–ergo, it’s not what’s making you sleepy–you’re sleepy because of all the nasty flour and sugar you just ate, fatty.

Also, Christmas lights are called Christmas lights because they are used to celebrate Christmas, which is traditionally celebrated on the 25th of said month. As such they have no business on your shitty house before December first.

This goes double for christmas music.

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