Yeah, I had that.
I saw this prompt and I figured I’d give it a shot because, upon looking up what impostor syndrome WAS, I realized I’d been affected by it a great deal. Even though I’d done a lot of good for myself at that time in my life (written multiple novels, nearly completed college, independently designed and executed a correlation study, starred in and created multiple short films, not been arrested [or beaten to disfigurment] for the many, MANY stupid things I’d done with my life), I didn’t feel like any of these things COUNTED.
Like, when you’re playing The Game of LIFE, do you get extra points or chips, or money (anyone else thought it was kinda shitty that the winner of LIFE by Milton Bradley is the one with the most money when they die?) for any of these achievements? Maybe the novels, but I just kind of felt like they were things I was SUPPOSED to do, so they weren’t impressing anybody. Least of all me.
To compound matter, I always had (and still have) trouble relating to other people–sesquipedalian language barrier aside, I just don’t see what makes ‘popular’culture so popular, and can’t get excited about many of the things my family/friends/co-workers do. Plus, I don’t like to brag. Anyway, nobody’s impressed when you tell them you’re a writer; I know I’M not.
But I learned to internalize these things through humorous candor and pretending to be a well adjusted person.
That’s right, I faked it until I maked it.
Trading one impostor-ism for another.
The strategy works, but you gotta be an actor. And acting takes a whole new set of skills. Helps to be a sociopath, too but that’s another story.
I also reminded myself that I am a MAN. And as a man, I can do, like, and say whatever the fuck I want. Who gives a shit that I don’t like footballs and that my affinity for action movies amounts to wiping my ass with their scripts? I enjoy cigars, liquor, and The Little Mermaid. Also, FUCK YOU (I think I’ll make those last two sentences into a t-shirt).
Anyway, I wrote this post today because I’ve been feeling rather insufficient at life lately–my personal and professional pursuits are not panning out to my desires–but more than that, I’m disappointed with my own lack of EFFORT (I haven’t done any SERIOUS writing for a long, damn time). The blog’s the one thing I’ve been really good at lately, so I feel a need to step up the game in a few other areas. Some things will go on hiatus, and some things will be new, and some old things that WERE on hiatus will come back.
Self serving post, I know. But I thought it might help others who are experiencing said impostor syndrome.
Now leave me a comment!