Hello, Loyal Readers! OK, so I intended to do this as an April Fool, but I ended up doing this instead as my miraculous book hadn’t arrived in the mail at that time.. Anyway, that book I was waiting for came in…
Have a look at that cover, eh? I had to buy this book for my WTF collection.
Yes, this is a real book, by a real author named Victor Pelevin. Problem is, it’s all in Cyrillic and there’s no English translation, probably due to trademark and copyright issues (but in Russia, copy rights you!). So I wrote my own story about it!
Of all the potion-soaked cafes in all the Kalos region, she had to walk into mine…
“Are you Pikachu?” she asked. The dame didn’t beat around the bush.
“Some folks call me that,” I said. I looked up into her face. Cat’s eyes and a big gold medallion. The dame liked nice things, but she had a real shiner on her left cheek. “Whaddya need?” I asked, looking away. Wouldn’t do me any good to look at that face too long.
“I need you to help me with something. Someone.”
“If it’s got anything to do with that bruise on your face, forget it. I don’t battle anymore.”
“Oh?” I heard her tap out a cigarette.
“If you need a bodyguard I hear Lucario’s good. Got a mega-evolution a while ago. I’ll give you the number.”
“But you’re him, right?” she pressed. “THE Pikachu?” I didn’t say anything. Maybe she’d get bored and go away. Find some muscle-headed fighting-type to defend her honor. “Got a light?” she asked after a minute. I turned to see her, a deathstick between her lips, leaning over the counter, showing me a fissure of cleavage between her tits. I whipped out a lighter and helped her out.
She had that look in her eyes. Attraction. It had been a long time since anyone took me to the “day-care.” Not since… No. I shook the memories out of my head. These dames are all the same–getting in close, leading you on, making you think they want your body slam, then pulling the old switcheroo after they got what they want.
“Find somebody else,” I told her. “Now order something or get out.” I went back to work.
“Do you know Ray?” she asked, her voice cracked with fear. And I almost dropped my glass.
“Yeah,” I said. “Yeah, I know Ray.” Ray Quaza. “Crazy Ray”–big, green, muscly sort. Short fuse. Outrageous temper. I looked at her again. “Ray did that to you?”
She took a drag off her cig and blew the smokescreen in my face. She’d calmed down now she had my attention. “Yeah. And he said he’d be back.”
“…And you want me to protect you?”
“I want you to catch him,” she pulled a powder case out of her pocket book and started powdering her nose. “Him and his gang.”
I laughed a little. Me against Ray. Ray and his horde. This town’s full of dark pokemon like Ray. Trying to catch ’em all would be like trying to count the stars in the sky.
I looked my prospective employer over once again, watched her powdering her nose. A Meowth. Why not? I could use a pay day here and there. But then again, it was Ray. Ray don’t mess around. If I didn’t win the battle…
“No,” I said. “I don’t battle anymore. Better find yourself another Pokemon.”
She held up her compact between the two of us.
“Sorry, Pikachu,” she said, batting those cat’s eyes at me. “But I choose you…” then she blew across her compact and swirl of her make up came at my face. I felt the cafe spin and my vision grew dark. All I remember was her face as I said one last thing.
Apparently the real book’s plot is thus, according to google translate:
What a novel? Yes, all the same: the life and death, love and hate, of loyalty and betrayal, freedom and unfreedom, high and low, and most importantly, about the specific hazards (physical and spiritual) of business life in modern Russia (the protagonist – Moscow banker). Not a curve lip, dear listener, they say, such a bulk in any criminal or ladies Russian novel. All and all not so. In the “number” is not that important, and how.
“Numbers” – a work that is worth listening to if only for the style of the original language.
Also the characters are described as looking like Pokemon. Not sure of the significance.
Do you read Cyrillic and have you read this book? Leave me a comment!