Hello, ladies and Gentlemen and thank you for joining me on this very special night when we gather to celebrate the birth of our lord and savior, Anakin Skywalker.
Now to begin, I consider myself a Star Wars fan. I own the original theatrical release of the original trilogy and LOVE them. I have seen the prequel trilogy and don’t feel the need to see them again—but more on that in another post, if anyone cares.
Cutting right to the chase, I’m not a fan of J.J. Abrams’s work and I’m not optimistic about the new movie, #theforceawakens. While I think it’s a *little* unlikely to SUCK OUT LOUD I don’t think it will be GREAT and I’d honestly be surprised if it was anything more than PASSABLE.
But people like to read positive posts! So I’m gonna stop talking about [REDACTED].
Instead, I’m gonna do what I should have from the very start—write my own damned Star Wank Movie! Behold!
It is a time of great unrest for the Rainbow Alliance.
Dishonored by the hutts at the battle of Elton Street, our hero, DUKE STARFORCER joins the Delta Tau fraternity to prepare a counterattack. Along with his allies FORCE STARFARMER , STAR STARSTARMER, and THERESA SKYKILLER, he sets out to join ADMIRAL KRAKENSTAR’s fleet, massing near planet Poo-bog.
There they mount a final, desperate assault on the DEATH BOX, a space station powerful enough to destroy an entire movie franchise with its turbolaser. Its only weakness lies hidden within the internet browsing history of the protocol droid, C3H8.
Leading the Chinese Empire is the dreaded COMMANDER KILLSTAR, wielder of the Lance of Longinus. There Duke will face his destiny in a three-way battle with TARS STAIRWALKER, Imperial auditor, and SHAN STARMEISTER, freelance journalist…
make your own at this link below!
EXT. SPACE-EXT. ESCAPE POD
Star Wipe In on a planet in the Bagelbyte system. A tiny escape pod burns through the atmosphere, hurtling toward the surface at alarming speed. The rocky cliffs grow larger as the shuttle falls faster and faster. Finally, the pod impacts with a shattering smash and lens flare. Leaping free is our hero, DUKE STARFORCER, who immediately lands in a clump of ferocious battle droids. He swings his triple bladed lightsaber and dispatches them with ease.
DUKE: Come on, C3H8! We’re losing daylight!
A tall Robot shaped like a dinosaur pulls itself from the wreckage and stands, following Duke clumsily over the rocky ground.
C3H8: But master Duke! My servomotors were not meant for this terrain!
Duke ignores the mincing dino-droid as he charges another battalion of oncoming droid soldiers. Just before he reaches them, the droid soldiers burst into a fiery, metal explosion and a flight of three X-wings speeds by overhead.
THERESA (V.O.): You ok down there, kid?
DUKE: Terry? You almost cooked me!
CUT TO: INT. X-WING COCKPIT
THERESA SKYKILLER pilots her x wing amid a storm of turbolaser fire and ships dogfighting.
THERESA: That’s two you owe me, junior!
CUT TO: DUKE ON THE GROUND
C3H8 has just caught up to Duke, his joints creaking.
DUKE: Yeah, alright. Thanks. (Under his breath) Don’t get cocky.
He begins to run, accompanied by C3H8, toward a long, black, box-shaped building on the horizon with a Direct TV dish sticking out of its roof.
THERESA (V.O.): We can’t start our attack run on the DEATH BOX until you get the shield taken down!
DUKE: You just worry about those fighters! I’m almost at the generator.
Duke stops in his tracks, holding out an arm to force-stop C3H8. Standing in his way is SHAN STARMEISTER, who wears a black mask, and holds a six-bladed lightsaber and a Go-Pro.
C3H8: Oh dear…
SHAN: You knew this day would come, Starforcer…
He raises his weapon and takes a step toward Duke, then halts abruptly.
TARS (offscreen): STARMEISTER!!
Shan and Duke look in the direction of the shout to see TARS STAIRMASTER. He holds Twin Eight-bladed lightsabers, his face concealed behind not one but TWO black masks.
TARS (continuing): WE MUST FINISH THIS, STARMEISTER!
DUKE: I’ve got a bad feeling about this…
It’s still in the early stages, but I’m gonna say, with full candor, that it’s gonna save the series. It’s the star wam film that was MEANT to be had.
Attached, you’ll find a design draft of Tars Stairwalker, the imperial tax man or something:
You can call me a cynical asshole, and you’d be right. Feel free to leave comments, accusations, spoilers, whatever you want! and thanks for reading!